Learning through Laughter

Bob Owen, Humorist

I think it’s time in my life for a new dictionary.  Webster did OK for his day, but he isn’t always up-to-date on definitions.  I really believe there’s a good market for a “revised” edition – for the advanced maturing generation.  Yea, that’s right.  Old people.

Good grief. I’m not even talking about words from my childhood that we used in public without getting arrested.  Like “coke.”  Ask for some now and you’ll get a reservation in a state institution.

No.  The words I’m talking about carry more subtle differences as you gain in experience, wisdom, and seniority.  Yea, that’s right. Old people.

The other day I was introduced as someone’s “long-time, faithful friend.”  It did indeed sound nicer that his friend of 50 years.  If you’re ever referred to as a long-time, faithful employee, start checking your retirement benefits, because you’ll soon be offered a package you can’t refuse.

When you’re described as a “deliberate” thinker, don’t thank anyone.  That just means you’re “slow.”

The term “trim and fit” will be dropped from my dictionary altogether.  Just “fit” will remain.  I don’t like the mental picture of “pudgy and fit.”

Everyone today is so doggone intent on proving they can multi-task.  This is particularly evident when today’s “whipper snappers”  (even I think that term is silly) can text during a banquet, listen to the speaker, and eat at the same time.  “Multi-tasking” is often worn as a badge of honor.  That’s probably correct if you under 60(ish).  In MY dictionary, multi-tasking will be when you start a particular action, forget what you’re doing, and then start doing something else.  Cleaning house most decidedly is multi-tasking when you start to your bedroom to make the bed, see the coffee pot on the counter and pour yourself a cup then go to read the newspaper before taking the dog for a walk.  You return to the bedroom that evening with the bed still unmade.  This is multi-tasking at its highest level.

My “trusted friend” means that the only thing between the two of you and an arrest record is knowing so much about each other that a stalemate is achieved.

When my wife describes me as “focused,” that just means I’m in a foggy trance.

When people are young, no one ever describes them as dressing “comfortably.”  They most often say “sloppy.”  However, when you’re older, “dressing comfortably” means your socks don’t match and your pants are unzipped.

“Pensive”?  You can’t remember what you’re doing.

“Quiet and relaxed”?  You’re asleep.

“Nothing ever seems to bother him” is such a kind way to say “he can’t hear.”

“He’s fun”?  That’s from the grand-kids and means he drools when he’s napping.

“She’s fun”?  That means Nana lets them do everything for which she formerly would have punished her own children.

He’s a “good driver” means he doesn’t fall asleep at the wheel.

And, last but not least, “he acts like a baby” simply indicates he’s wearing Depends.

All this writing has tired me out.  I need a “nap.”  That still means “nap,” even though it is only 9 a.m.

Date of Blog Story: 
March 24, 2011

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