It’s become THE new phrase in the fabric of our lives.  Even people who don’t have iPhones know what it means.  People used to talk about their children.  About their new cars.  About their jobs.  About how much “help” they have at home. Now the common “keeping up with the Jones” envy item is an “app.”    Everyone’s trying to out-app their friends.

Brenda and I have a dear friend who recently got the supremo iPhone, whichever one that is now, and she wanted to know what great apps we have on our phones that “I just must have.”  I said, “none of them.  None of them are needed.”  She said, “Seriously now.  What apps do you have?”

So I told her, and the disappointment was shown clearly on her face.  Not to mention the fact that she said, “Oh those are boring.  I’ve got those!!!”  

In-ground pools are so passé.  Trips to the Riviera sooooo not now.  So boring.  No one cares anymore.  But, if you want to go to the rock bottom of the social ladder, talk about your uncool apps.

People compare.  I recommended a specific location-finding app.  My friend told me that one was outdated.  His was better.  Grocery shopping app.  Mine does more.  Banking app.  That one’s not very good.  I finally got so disgusted I said, “You’re crazy.”  He answered, “That sounds interesting.  What does it do?”  I shook my head.

People don’t want to know what apps I have.  They just want proof that I’m old and boring and can’t select really good apps. The other day I went app shopping, determined to make my family and friends really proud of me by the innovative, uptown apps that I could acquire.  There are a gazillion.  Many of which are crude, rude, and socially unacceptable.  On one, you can turn the volume up loud and press a button and it sounds like someone is making bodily noises.  Use your imagination.  Not exactly what I’m looking for.  Just proves the saying I like – you just can’t hide class!!

Then I came across it.  No kidding.  There’s really an app that says “Age my face.” You take a picture and apply the app to age the picture.  Why would I do that?  How completely wasteful, and about 10 years too late.  My mirror does that every day, and I don’t have to download the depression and low self-esteem that accompany the app.

I’m waiting for something really useful, like the “make my neighbor quit mowing his lawn at night” app, or the “give my enemy lockjaw” app, or the “please take all stupid people off the road when I’m driving” app.  Oh well.  In the meantime, before that last technology is developed, I’ll continue to shout and sit on my horn.  I think sometimes, the old ways are  better, anyway.